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Now that he is our president, I think it's time we as a nation just took a deep breath and collectively just said out loud, 'O.J. killed those people.' It feels good.
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One of my friends has a stutter, and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense.
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I used to live with five straight guys and -- ew, the cleaning schedule was 'nope.'
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Trying to get a drunk girl to finish is like trying to take a drunk girl home when she can't remember where she lives. She's like, 'That's not it, that's not it, that's not it.'
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I've been freakishly skinny my entire life because there's a hole in my butt.
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Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
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Male comics are always coming up to me, and they're like, 'Hey, Natasha, don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' And I'm like, 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?'
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I have this thing that I do called 'Mysteries of the Universe,' when I gaze up at the countless stars and infinite galaxies. I realize how small and insignificant my girlfriend is. So, I get drunk and cheat on her with my 18-year-old neighbor.
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It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy -- location, location, location.
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I don't think I can get hard, I just got laid this morning!
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Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
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Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?
A: Herpes lasts forever.
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Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You don't know when it's going to come, how many inches you'll get or how long it'll last.
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To put that number in perspective, 6.5 billion people is so many people that anything that's humanely imaginable, as you imagine it, somewhere on the planet, there is a motherf**ker doing it.
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Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?
A: They all get the house.
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There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that it's impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, that's true. 'Cause you can hear anything, at any hour -- there's always something to blame it on.
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Black people start making money and want to do stuff we would never do, want to climb mountains. It's right there -- you ain't got to climb it, you got a house. Why you gotta go outside and climb a rock?
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You're so small that when it rains you're the last to know!
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| What do Osama bin Laden and Custer have in common?
They both wondered where all those tomahawks were coming from.
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You keep asking me questions that you know I have to lie at. 'Do I look fat?' 'Nah, no.' If you wasn't fat, you wouldn't have asked. That's why you asked the question. Skinny people don't say, 'Do I look fat?' Skinny people say, 'Do you want to eat? Would you like to have a sandwich?'
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The world's gone crazy. You got people mad that we got a black president, but he's half white. We claimed our half; y'all get yours. There's some for everybody. He's got some for everybody.
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I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
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I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
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| What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?
One of them is organized.
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An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
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What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
Men always miss both of them.
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| How many Christians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. The Bible makes no mention of lightbulbs.
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| What do a cat, plant, and sea monkeys have in common?
All three have endured tragic deaths of neglect at my apathetic hands!
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What did the plug say to the socket?
Socket to me baby!!!
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Tell me everything you know...I have a few seconds to waste.
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Yo mama's so fat, she uses a semi-trailer as a couch.
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| Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes?
Gives 'em something to do on Saturday night!
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I only have eyes for you. Glowing grey, milky, dead eyes.
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Yo' Mama is like a beached whale: stinky and tragic, but you can't help but stare.
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Q: How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
A: Who knows -- it's never been done.
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Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women?
A: Opposites attract.
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In my past life I was a horse; now I'm just hung like one.
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What do you call 32 West Virginian women in one room?
A full set of teeth.
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What do you call a redneck with a functioning car?
Lucky!
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What do West Virginians call a pretty woman?
A tourist.
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Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.
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You can tell when you're a Redneck when you walk with your son to school because you're in the same grade.
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How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
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| Q: Why did the city build a graveyard across the street from the retirement home?
A: So all the old people can see there futures!
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| Why do blondes like sunroofs?
More legroom!
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Q: Why did Florida orange growers offer O.J. Simpson $3 million?
A: To change his name to Apple Juice.
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How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but I don't know how they got in there.
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Q: How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's "womyn" with a Y, and it's not funny!
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Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women?
A: Opposites attract.
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Q: Bush has a short one. Sarkozy has a long one. Cher does not use hers. What is it?
A: A last name.
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| Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes?
Gives 'em something to do on Saturday night!
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Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?
A: Look for sesame seed buns.
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Yo mama's so fat, she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops.
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| What's black and white and red all over?
Mimes in a chainsaw fight.
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| How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
20: one to change the bulb, the rest to make a documentary all about it.
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| Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White?
A: They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.
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Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. The guitarist holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.
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| A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."
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| What is Homer Simpson's favorite ice cream?
Chocolate-chip cookie DOH!
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| With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local casualty ward and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions his long-haired colleagues.
''So what was he doing then?'' asks the physician. ''Acid? Cannabis?''
''Sort of,'' replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing his caftan. ''But we ran out of gear, so I skinned up a homemade spliff.''
''And what was in that?'' asks the doctor.
''Um, I kind of raided my girlfriend's spice rack.'' says the hippie. ''There was a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a little paprika.''
''Well, that explains it,'' the doctor replies, looking at them gravely. ''He is in a Korma.''
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