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I used to live with five straight guys and -- ew, the cleaning schedule was 'nope.'
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Trying to get a drunk girl to finish is like trying to take a drunk girl home when she can't remember where she lives. She's like, 'That's not it, that's not it, that's not it.'
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I've been freakishly skinny my entire life because there's a hole in my butt.
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Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
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Male comics are always coming up to me, and they're like, 'Hey, Natasha, don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' And I'm like, 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?'
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I have this thing that I do called 'Mysteries of the Universe,' when I gaze up at the countless stars and infinite galaxies. I realize how small and insignificant my girlfriend is. So, I get drunk and cheat on her with my 18-year-old neighbor.
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It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy -- location, location, location.
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I don't think I can get hard, I just got laid this morning!
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Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
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Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?
A: Herpes lasts forever.
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Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You don't know when it's going to come, how many inches you'll get or how long it'll last.
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To put that number in perspective, 6.5 billion people is so many people that anything that's humanely imaginable, as you imagine it, somewhere on the planet, there is a motherf**ker doing it.
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Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?
A: They all get the house.
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There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that it's impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, that's true. 'Cause you can hear anything, at any hour -- there's always something to blame it on.
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Black people start making money and want to do stuff we would never do, want to climb mountains. It's right there -- you ain't got to climb it, you got a house. Why you gotta go outside and climb a rock?
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You're so small that when it rains you're the last to know!
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